TimesFour

The Slant is a weekly article written by japf

Well, it’s another week, so here is another attempt at picking the games. I think I’m starting to get the hang of it. However, I should emphasize that these picks are for entertainment only. Well, they aren’t even for that….but don’t use them for betting purposes.

Last Weeks Results: 10-6
Week 2

SUNDAY 12:00 Titans at Bengals
Titans 23 Bengals 13: In a defensive battle the Titans come away with the victory. The Bengals suffer 22 false start penalties due to the fact that their team doctors incorrectly set Carson Palmer’s broken nose. Every time Palmer takes a deep breath his nose whistles. In the game, the o-line keeps thinking that an official has blown the whistle and they get out of their stances to see why…resulting in penalties. Later in the game, when the linemen finally learn to ignore the whistle, they are called for 8 late hit penalties.

SUNDAY 12:00 Bears at Panthers

Bears 17 Panthers 14:The Bears win when the game is stopped with 3:18 left in the third quarter. The officiating crew, lead by Jeff Triplet suspends the game, and call it over at that point, because of a freak storm causing hundreds and thousands of yellow flags to fall on the field.

SUNDAY 12:00 Packers at Lions
Packers 42 Lions 0: The Packers dominate this game, though some of the reason may be that the Lions were very uncomfortable. The Lions end up playing this game naked after Tatum Bell steals all the teams’ uniforms and equipment. Lion Assistant coach, Joe Cullen, is very comfortable during the game, however.

SUNDAY 12:00 Giants at Rams
Giants 41 Rams 3: The Giants make mincemeat of the Rams. The second straight major loss causes the Ram coaches to take desperate measures and they go to Office Max and buy some notebooks and start to write actual plays down in them. Rams Head Coach Scott Linehan explains the decision “You know we thought the drawing the play out in the sand idea was going to work…I guess we forgot about that whole artificial turf thing.”

SUNDAY 12:00 Colts at Vikings
Colts 24 Vikings 19: Don’t really know why, but I like the sound of that score.

SUNDAY 12:00 Saints at Redskins
Saints 21 Redskins 0: In this game Redskin quarterback Jason Campbell becomes the first quarterback in the history of the NFL to throw more incomplete passes than he attempts. No one really knows how he did it, but anyone who watched the opening ‘Skins game versus the Giants knows it is possible.

SUNDAY 12:00 Bills at Jaguars
Jaguars 12 Bills 10: Trailing 10 to nothing late in the game the Jaguars resort to desperate measures. With 4 minutes remaining in the game they have “WELCOME TO THE SUPERBOWL” posted on the scoreboard. The Bills instantly fall apart and lose the game when kicker Rian Lindell misses the possible game winning kick, wide right, as time expires.

SUNDAY 12:00 Raiders at Chiefs
Chiefs Something Raiders A Lot Less: Nobody really cares, do they?

SUNDAY 3:15 Falcons at Buccaneers
Bucs 21 Falcons 10: The Falcons lose any chance of victory when rookie quarterback Matt Ryan disappears during the 3rd quarter. He is later found playing in the Bucs big pirate ship on top of the stadium. Ryan was quoted as saying “WHEEEEEEEE”.

SUNDAY 3:15 49ers at Seahawks
Seahawks 27 49ers 14: The 49ers bench JT O’Sullivan early in the first half and put injured 2nd string quarterback Alex Smith into the game. Later they bench Smith and replace him with 3rd string quarterback Shawn Hill. Later they bench Hill and replace him with 4th string Emiraldo Sitivani of the Boston Pops.

SUNDAY 3:15 Chargers at Broncos
Chargers 23 Broncos 21: The Chargers win this game thanks to great play from Shawne Merriman who plays the game in a body cast. In the fourth quarter Merriman undergoes an emergency heart transplant but is cleared by the team doctors to continue playing. (I know I used the same joke last week…but I’m trying to build it up bigger each week…I’m thinking declared dead by the coroner but cleared by the team physicians is about as far as I can hope to go with the gag.)

Edit: Just saw on ESPN that Merriman has opted to have season ending surgery. In the press conference he was quoted as saying “I really think I could continue playing, but I just want japf to quit with the stupid ‘team physicians ok’d him to play’ garbage.”

SUNDAY 3:15 Dolphins at Arizona
Cardinals 24 Dolphins 13: The Cardinals go to 2-0 after this win. Of course, the Burlington Middle School 7th grade team would have a good shot at going 2-0 with this schedule. BMS, by the way, will play the Cardinals in week 5.

SUNDAY 3:15 Ravens at Texans
Ravens 23 Texans 20: Rookie QB Joe Flacco throws for a TD, runs for a TD, catches his own pass for a TD, cooks the team meal, drives the team bus and leads the strike-busting Washington Sentinels to a win in the movie, The Replacements.

SUNDAY 3:15 Patriots at Jets
Patriots 35 Jets 31: New England wins this game with a holographic projection of Tom Brady as their starting quarterback. The Jets file a protest that it is illegal for the Pats to use a “non-human” as part of their team. Commissioner Goodell upholds the victory saying that the Jets claim is unfounded and besides they have a deity playing quarterback for them.

SUNDAY 7:00 Steelers at Browns
Steelers 31 Browns 12: Pittsburgh dominates the game as major network executives look for someone to blame for Cleveland being scheduled with 5 prime time games this season.

Monday 8:00 Eagles at Cowboys
Cowboys 27 Eagles 24: Dallas premieres their new horizontally striped white uniforms as they beat the Eagles in a close game. Terrell Owens, Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones lead the Cowboys to victory, though it isn’t official till, newly signed kicker, Charles Manson drills a 32 yarder as time expires.

There you have it….this weeks picks…let me know what you think.