TimesFour

The Slant (5) Week 4 NFL Picks

by on Sep.26, 2008, under Commentary, Game Previews, Opinion

Ok, I admit it. I’m really not that psyched about this week’s pick column. I’m not sorry about it or anything. I’m sure even Charles Dickers had his bad days…..I mean, Barnaby Rudge…are you kidding me? In fact the whole prediction thing was going so bad this week that I resorted to going with an all “In a related story” theme. Still it’s the best I can come up with for this week so have a look. I promise to do better next week, unless I get too busy playing Bejeweled. Now there’s something I’m always good at. At least the byes will help my winning percentage.

Week 3 Results:10-6
Season Total: 30-18

Colts receive a Bye: Ha!!! I’m 1 and O already for this week. In a related story: Peyton Manning has filed suit with the FCC complaining that with the large number of political commercials being broadcast this time of year he is falling far short of his usual being in 33% of all commercials aired each Sunday.

Dolphins receive a Bye: 2-0 Baby. In a related story, with last week’s success running the single wing, the Dolphins are considering going back to an even less complicated offense, the old grade school “everybody go out” offense. They hope to have it installed after about 5 minutes of practice.

Patriots receive a Bye: 3-0. In a related story, since the Patriots did not have a game this week, head coach Bill Belichick went to Atlantic City and counted cards.

Giants receive a Bye: 4-0, I’m on fire this week. In a related story, Plaxico Burris filed a grievance with the players association over his 2 week suspension for missing a team practice. His main argument is that the Rams don’t get suspended when they fail to show up for games, why should he.

Seahawks get a Bye: 5-0, oh yeah. In a related story, newly signed wide out Koren Robinson is enjoying his second stay in the Emerald City. He is, however, surprised that there are not nearly as many pink elephants roaming the streets as he remembered from his last stay.

Lions receive a Bye: Ha…6-0, I am dominating the picks this week. In a related story, when the Lions cleaned out Matt Millen’s old office they found some very interesting things. One of the things they found was an old Roulette wheel that has had all the numbers replaced with different football positions. Officials are guessing it is a tool he used in the draft war-room since over 80% of the slots were labeled “Wide Receiver”.

Atlanta Falcons at Carolina Panthers
Panthers 23 Falcons 17: in a related story, after going 2 and 0 without Steve Smith and then losing the first game after his return from suspension some of the more superstitious Panthers spent the week trying to goad Smith into a fight.

Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals
Browns 0 Bengals -2: In a related story somewhere a blind squirrel found a nut.

Houston Texans at Jacksonville Jaguars
Jaguars 24 Texans 13: In a related story, Jaguar coach Jack Del Rio admitted to the press after the game that he has always had a secret desire to be party clown…but his eyes keep scaring the little children.

Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs
Broncos 55 Chiefs 9: In a related story, the Chiefs announce, after the game, that they are offering a new deal where if the Chiefs lose a game they will give everyone attending the game a choice of receiving either free tickets to the next game or a free tooth extraction at a local dentist. Novocain sales skyrocket.

San Francisco 49ers at New Orleans Saints
Saints 34 49ers 20: In a related story, 49er offensive coordinator Mike Martz is given a promotion and has special teams coach included as part of his duties. The 49ers then become the first team in NFL history to attempt a forward pass on the opening kickoff.

Arizona Cardinals at N.Y. Jets
Cardinals 20 Jets 13: In a related story, Brett Favre…..that’s all, just Brett Favre.

Green Bay Packers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Packers 24 Buccaneers 21: In a related story, former Buc defensive lineman Warren Sapp makes a huge impression on this week’ premiere episode of Dancing With The Stars when he blind sides fellow competitor Lance Bass, putting him in the hospital with a broken hip.

Minnesota Vikings at Tennessee Titans
Vikings 24 Titans 20: In a related story, Viking running back Adrian Peterson announces that he officially wants to have his nickname no longer be “AD” or “AP”. He then announces a new nationwide search for a new set of initials. Many members of rival teams suggest “IR”.

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders
Chargers 39 Raiders 20: In a related story, Raider coach Lane Kiffin announces that he was actually fired 3 weeks ago but has just kept showing up everyday and no one at the Raider facilities seems to notice.

Buffalo Bills at St. Louis Rams
Bills 42 Rams 10: In a related story, the Rams announce that if they keep losing at the same rate they have been they will soon be petitioning the NFL to move the franchise to France.

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys
Cowboys 28 Redskins 17: In a related story, congress announces that after, reviewing Redskin owner Dan Snyder’s free agency spending habits, he will be included in the upcoming economic bail out.

Philadelphia Eagles at Chicago Bears
Eagles 27 Bears 19: In a related story, Bear middle linebacker is injured in the parking lot after game when a group of nerds challenge him to an “honor dual”.

Baltimore Ravens at Pittsburgh Steelers
Steelers 18 Ravens 15: In a related story, Steelers defensive back Troy Polamalu is arrested after the game when the authorities discover that he has a family of illegal immigrants living in his hair. Polamalu denies all knowledge of their presence, though he does admit that he was a little suspicious when his hair started ordering out for pizza.

Well, there you have them. Maybe next week I’ll come up with some other new gimmick. Maybe a week of all rhyming picks or have all the picks based on the TV show Lost. You know what would be really different though…..if I made all the picks humorous……nah, that’ll never happen.


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