TimesFour

NFL - Week #5

There were a lot of upsets last week. Heck, after the Packer game alone, there were 4 people, 1 dog and 5 pieces of furniture upset. I think I have a pretty good handle on the picks this week. If they don’t start getting funnier, I may have to start claiming that I am actually trying to pick the right teams.

Last Weeks Picks: 143-7
Season total: 2.45 x 10^3-29

Bye Teams: Browns, Jets and Raiders go 0-0 this weekend. Rams still manage to lose.

Tennessee Titans at Baltimore Ravens
Titans 23 Ravens 16: After the win, Titan quarterback Kerry Collins celebrates by letting the entire team use his senior citizen discount at Denny’s for a celebration supper.

Kansas City Chiefs at Carolina Panthers
Panthers 28 Chiefs 14: The Panthers win the game easily even though quarterback Jake Delhomme plays the last 3 quarters with a crawdad stuffed down his pants.

Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions
Bears 24 Lions 3: After a gentlemen’s agreement between the two coaches, the Bear defense starts counting “one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi” before rushing the quarterback. The Bears record 6 sacks and 7 knockdowns of Jon Kitna.

Atlanta Falcons at Green Bay Packers
Packers 24 Falcons 23: The Packers win on a late TD drive engineered by emergence QB Ruvel Martin who completes 6 of 7 passes for 122 yards in his 4th quarter appearance. Ted Thompson, in a post game interview, says “I guess everyone knows now, why Brett Favre was expendable.” ESPN now inserts Martin vs Favre comparisons into all of their Sports Center broadcasts for the next 4 weeks.

Indianapolis Colts at Houston Texans
Colts 29 Texans 13: Peyton Manning actually plays the entire game with a sandwich board advertising Direct TV over his uniform.

San Diego Chargers at Miami Dolphins
Chargers 34 Dolphins 23: The Dolphins play the entire game using the single wing offense with Ronnie Brown as the wing. The Chargers counter this by playing a 5-3-3 defense that new defensive coordinator and former middle school football coach Sid Wickenford installs during half-time.

Seattle Seahawks at N.Y. Giants
Giants 21 Seahawks 17: Eli Manning actually plays the entire game with a sandwich in his hand.

Washington Redskins at Philadelphia Eagles
Redskins 27 Eagles 23: During this game head referee Jeff Triplet has so much time on camera, due to the number of penalties called, that he is nominated for the Emmy for best mini-series.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Denver Broncos
Broncos 41 Buccaneers 28: Buccaneer quarterback Brian Greise throws 4 interceptions, tying for the second most completions to Broncos in one game for his career.

Buffalo Bills at Arizona Cardinals
Bills 48 Cardinals 24: After the Bills complete 6 TD passes against the Cardinals, Prudential Insurance Company comes out with a new policy called “Cardinal Secondary Insurance”, it’s very cheap, but it doesn’t cover anything.

Cincinnati Bengals at Dallas Cowboys
Cowboys 28 Bengals 9: For the first time in many years, Dallas Stadium is not sold out. Turns out they had to hold 1000 tickets to make room for Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens’ egos.

New England Patriots at San Francisco 49ers
Patriots 27 49ers 17: The Patriots insert nano-robot implants into the 49er receivers causing their eyelids to shut uncontrollably whenever a pass is thrown to them. When the 49ers complain to the league about this Commissioner Goodell says that it is OK for them to do that and that “Bill Belichick is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life”

Pittsburgh Steelers at Jacksonville Jaguars
Steelers 28 Jaguars 17: Steelers announce before the game that newly re-signed Najeh Davenport will be the teams number 2 back.

Minnesota Vikings at New Orleans Saints
Saints 20 Vikings 15: After quarterback, Gus Ferotte, is forced to leave the game in the 2nd quarter due to an oblique injury, things go badly for the Vikings. Viking coach Brad Childress admits after the game that he had to reduce the playbook once backup Tavarus Jackson entered the game. Actually, that fact was pretty obvious to all fans watching game, when instead of his usual large color coded play chart Childress usually uses in the game he was seen holding a Bazooka bubble gum wrapper over his lips while calling plays.

OK, there you have it. I really had to resort to old humor on the Steeler-Davenport line…..but I had nothing else to go on. Hope you enjoy.