Hi everyone. I decided that I would make an attempt at prognostication this year. After looking up what prognostication means, I decided to do so by picking each weeks NFL games. I will continue to do this all season, each week, until the powers that be decide I shouldn’t or until I start having a real lousy record or until its not funny anymore (don’t say it!!!).
Last Weeks Prediction Results: 23-0 (and there’s no proof to the contrary)
NFL WEEK 1 PREDICTIONS
THURSDAY NIGHT 6:00 Redskins at Giants
Giants 21 Redskins 17: Giants come from behind when Eli Manning completes a desperation pass to David Tyree who catches it no handed..between his butt cheeks for the game winning TD. Newly unretired DE Michael Strahan records 12 tackles and 3 sacks and makes informative yet interesting sideline reports throughout the game.
SUNDAY 12:00 Lions at Atlanta
Falcons 17 Lions 2: It turns out that without all the Michael Vick/Coach Quitting/Dog Fighting this off season many people have forgotten about the existence of the Atlanta Falcons, including the Detroit Lions who fail to show up for the game. Falcons score on two Michael Turner one yard runs. Another drive stalls at the 5 when Matt Ryan throws 2 incomplete passes and steps out of bounds for a sack.
SUNDAY 12:00 Seahawks at Bills
Seahawks 30 Bills 17: In the first game of the last season of the last head coaching job of Mike Holmgren the Seattle Seahawks play inspired ball early. They then falter a little during a sudden freak snow storm (is there really such a thing as a “freak” snowstorm in Buffalo?) before putting the game away late on a couple of plays where Matt Hasselback gets the ball and scores. Lee Evans does set an NFL record with two receptions for 2 TD’s and 236 yards receiving.
SUNDAY 12:00 Jaguars at Titans
Jaguars 31 Titans 0: Jeff Fischer mistaking this game for the final pre-season game does not play his starters and the Titans take it on the chin.
SUNDAY 12:00 Jets at Dolphins
Jets 77 Dolphins 10: To look at the score, you would expect a big game out of Brett Favre, but he actually only puts up pedestrian numbers in this game. Most of the Jets points come from interception returns by Laveranues Coles, who asked to be inserted on defense so that he can once again catch passes from Chad Pennington.
SUNDAY 12:00 Chiefs at Patriots
Patriots 30 Chiefs 12: The Pats have an easy time in this one as Brady and Moss hook up for a pair of TDs and Lawrence Maroney rushes for 100 yards and a score. T-shirts with the slogan “1 and 0” hit the market after the game. If you look closely on the shirts you can see a “9” covered with white-out next to the “1”.
SUNDAY 12:00 Buccaneers at Saints
Saints 20 Buccaneers 16: With the Bucs trailing by 4, out of time-outs, and :10 seconds remaining Tampa Bay finds themselves on the Saints’ 5 yard line. As the play clock ticks down, Jeff Garcia brings his team to the line of scrimmage, only to suddenly turn to head coach Jon Gruden and yell “Do you want Brett Favre now?” as he walks off the field and time expires.
SUNDAY 12:00 Rams at Eagles
Eagles 28 Rams 27: Eagles and Rams play a real slugfest of a game. Westbrook has 557 all-purpose yards (including the yards gained while running the kicking tee on and off the field) and McNabb throws for three TDs. Post game interviews reveal that the Eagles played so well because Head Coach Andy Reid threatened to put all players’ children into a daycare being provided by his son.
SUNDAY 12:00 Texans at Steelers
Texans 2 Steelers 0: In a very rare occurrence, the Texans win this game by forfeit. With the Steelers comfortably ahead by 12 in the third quarter the officials make a questionable interference call against a Steeler cornerback. Jeff Sobotta, a Pittsburgh fan in the crowd, displays his displeasure by throwing his old table top lamp (he just recently purchased a new team lamp for NFL.com) onto the field. Thousands of other Steeler fans follow suit…littering the field with thousands of broken tacky, non-team affiliated lamps. The officials stop the game and force the Steelers to forfeit the game.
SUNDAY 12:00 Bengals at Ravens
Ravens 11 Bengals 9: In a defensive battle the Ravens come away with the victory. Really the most interesting part of this game was the difficulty that the announcers had. Turns out a number of the Bengal players followed Chad Johnson’s example and had their names legally changed to match their numbers in a foreign language. Here is a transcript from the play-by-play: Neuf takes the snap and fakes a handoff to Zwei Und Zwanzig and fires a bullet to Ocho Cinco for the first down…but wait there’s a flag on the play and it will be brought back because of a false start penaly on Ixtysay Ivefay”.
SUNDAY 3:15 Panthers at Chargers
Chargers 27 Panthers 17: The Chargers win this one comfortably. Shawne Merriman records 8 tackles and 2 sacks while playing on crutches. In the fourth quarter Merriman’s arm is severed from his body in a freak Gatorade cooler accident, but the Charger team doctors clear him to play the rest of the game.
SUNDAY 3:15 Cardinals at 49ers.
49ers 20 Cardinals 10: 49er QB JT O’Sullivan has a great game…no I just can’t say that…I know this is supposed to be a bunch of sarcastic/exaggerated/humorous picks….but I just can’t…there’s only so far one can stretch reality. Anyhow, the good news is the Milwaukee Brewers pick up a half a game in the National League wildcard race.
SUNDAY 3:15 Cowboys at Browns
Cowboys 23 Browns 13: Cowboys win this one fairly easily. The real news occurs after the game when Tony Romo and Terrell Owens announce their engagement.
SUNDAY 7:15 Bears at Colts
Colts 32 Bears 21: The Colts dominate the Bears from start to finish. Colt quarterback Jim Sorgi (playing for injured star Peyton Manning who has been on the shelf since suffering a Jenga injury earlier this summer) has a great game completing 20 of 28 passes for 328 yards and a pair of TDs. The Bears starting quarterback, Kyle Orton has a good game though most of the Bear scoring comes from Devon Hester who returns a kickoff and punt and a library book, all for scores.
MONDAY NIGHT 6:00 Vikings at Packers
Packers 35 Vikings 34: A game that started out slowly turns into a nail biter. The Packers suddenly come to life after a scoreless first quarter when Aaron Rodgers takes a blow to the head and develops amnesia. A quick thinking Donald Driver tells Rodgers that he is actually Brett Favre and Rodgers/Favre goes on a TD passing spree throwing 5 quick TDs. The good news turns bad late in the third quarter, however, when Rodgers/Favre suddenly retires.
Backup QB Brian Brohm proves to be ineffective so the Packers turn to recently signed veteran QB TJ Rubley to play out the end of the game. With :05 seconds remaining and the Pack up by one, Rubley audibles out of the victory formation and throws an interception to Pat Williams of the Vikings who has clean sailing to the endzone for the game winning score. Luckily, Packer victory is sustained when Darren Sharper, hoping to score the game winning TD himself, comes up behind Williams and punches the ball out of his arms at the 5 yard line. The Packers win by a score of 35 to 34 as the ball dribbles out of bounds at the 1.
MONDAY 9:15 Broncos at Raiders
Bronocos 21 Raiders 0: The Raiders put in an early claim on next years number one draft pick as they play a terrible game. Al Davis tries to talk Javon Walker back into retiring after the game. At the post game presser, Bronco quarterback Jay Cutler does jello shots and promises not to shower till he reaches the 4000 yard passing mark. Most people in the Bronco facilities are not surprised by this since he didn’t shower all last season either.
Well, that’s what I have for this week. What do you think?